She Doesn’t Exist 

I was incredibly blessed to be able to share my pregnancies with several of my friends. Several of us became pregnant for the first time sharing close due dates. It was a great experience to be able to walk through something so awesome for the first time, together! 

It began right away with that first pregnancy. We started comparing everything from morning sickness to the size of our ankles, our bellies, our scale numbers… And now, 4 years later the comparing is no longer a public conversation of fun and curiosity. But rather in my head, and a constant battle to live up to these other incredible wives and mothers. 

I find myself on a regular basis comparing my day to day to what I only assume is taking place in other homes. I imagine regular games and crafts, a spotless house, a beautiful wife with her make up done, folding laundry as her children play calming and neatly in the same room. 

Meanwhile my home is scattered with toys that have not been played with but thrown from the toy boxes for no reason but to make a mess.  Dishes are piled up, laundry is a never ending cycle that never gets folded or put away. And my relief is the sound of a television or an iPod distracting my crazy toddler. My hair is falling out of the bun I put it in the night before and the only sign of make up is the linger of yesterday’s fast mascara job.

And I, like many others, beat myself up for not being the perfect wife and mother. It is important to know that she doesn’t exist. That fantasy woman in your head is not your best friend, she is not your neighbor, she is not the mother beside you in yoga class. She is a figment of your imagination.  And I believe the sooner this becomes reality to us, the sooner we can stop beating ourselves up for what we are not and begin striving for what we desire to be.  

I myself would love to be put together everyday, get the cleaning and laundry done and spend quality time with my kids. And I don’t think it is unrealistic to hope for. Although the days where I am barely keeping it together I won’t beat myself up for. Rather I will take small steps to try and gradually improve as a mother and a wife. Because while I know that perfect woman does not exist, I know we all have areas we can improve and my list has lots I can work on. 

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